Coming to the end and the beginning

Looking at my old diary there is one entry left to put up that will officially end the retroactive posts I began this thread with. It is messed up and to an extent reflects the almost total and prolonged introspection I experienced while dealing with my recovery. When I emerged from my enforced seclusion I couldn't relate to any one but by transfiguring them through my own ego. I didn't make a good conversationalist and overcoming that selfishness of thought was difficult and an unexpected aspect of my recovery.

I have a strong urge to edit my last diary entry as it reveals more insecurities than I'd care to consciously recognise, nor does it read well. Ultimately though this blog/wiary was started to try and share an experience that I tried to seek out when I first broke my knee. I intend to fill out the details of the past year (!) with things that relate specifically to my knee and on going recovery, and I will post my last diary entry in pristine condition. One thing that has become clear to me is that an injury as serious as this can create as much damage mentally as it does physically, if not more.

I don't think I've dealt with the mental side of things particularly well in totality. While I have applied myself to recovering properly, I would be lying to say it isn't a crutch and I have so far worked my hardest. I am not who I used to be and it shames me to know that I'm not trying my absolute damnedest to become more of what I was while embracing all the new things I've gained. Life has become scary and the easiest way to stay safe is to keep only partially engaged. I hate that aspect of how I currently am, but it turns full circle when the only one I can rely on to change this is myself, yet I fall short.

I am much, much better than I was. Incredibly so when I think back to the fact that I couldn't walk. Much better now than a lot of people are in general physically speaking.

I want to be invincible though, or as close to this lost illusion as I can become.