Cringe worthy

The last retroactive post...

Tuesday 8^th May

Tonight my parents sold our family home of 21 years. I thought I would have moved on before this time came but events transpired in such a way that I am back at home only to see it pass on to another family. Truth be told I am not as sad as I believed I would be given that 8 Aberdeen Road has been my home since memory serves. This is mainly thanks to the fact that I am itching to engage in the world beyond the borders of what my world now constitutes and this drive has been with me potently for at least five years. An inherent transience, a shifting identity, a want to consolidate myself while expanding at the same time. All these I see as out there waiting for me to understand and discover. However, this could be a delusion under which I am deceiving myself. On no reliable grounds can I justify why I believe what I believe about travel, or what it will give me.

The drive to do what we do isn't apparent, I cannot feasibly explain who I am or why I want to do the things I want to do. If this conversation were to boil down to purpose with the classic remedy to purposelessness being religion or a belief in a god – that I do not believe is the answer or in fact the question. Belief does not automatically insert purpose into a person. From belief in a deity one can derive conviction in their actions, but nothing actually informs a person as to what they are doing. While people may have conversations with the god of their beliefs', I reckon that whatever that belief manifests itself as, is like an inbuilt compass. A mind can pose a question to 'god' and the answer they receive is an instinctual reaction of the mind. Like tossing a coin when split over a decision and letting your emotional reaction to the outcome determine the course of action that you take, 'god' exists only in the realm of uncertainty and want of explanation, and belief creates the answers.

Patently, this is all academic. Even if the religious mind were to operate in the manner I described, faith ultimately washes away the questions an individual might pose to oneself. God is infallible because we cannot prove he is real or otherwise. So is the choice for religion the smart one? Would it cure my apprehension or explain the things that I don't understand? No. Being pragmatic and accepting that things are the way they are is my way of life and shouldn't be mistaken for apathy. Accepting that the world is the way it is I hope to create change not during my life time, but rather I want to start change that will last beyond any living memory of AJD. Any change that I might be able to create would be selfish, naive, destructive and transient. Biologically if the solution lies in a mule, the solution itself is moot, as it cannot be passed on and dies with its host. I can only hope to create the basis for change and give others the power to change themselves. A centralised fission of change is as fallible as a dictatorship and in many respects, just as damaging.

What then of life or goals? It's hard to say that anything will ultimately be achieved in my life that measures up to the grandeurs that rampage through my head.

However, I must tackle every opportunity, every experience, and every moment with the passion of a man dying. No matter the course I take, I must make the most of whatever comes. Fear of uncertainty be damned. I challenge myself to embrace uncertainty, to live with fear and not because of it. I challenge myself to live.